[Friendly] Competition

I am an insanely competitive person - to a fault. I know it’s not my best characteristic, but a childhood of being compared to others is hard to heal from (I’m working on it).

I love to be the “best” at something - winning an award at school, getting a shoutout during a workout class, smashing through a goal I set for myself - these are all small pleasures in my day to day life. While this might seem quite tame, it sometimes bites me in the butt because with competition comes comparison. I’m constantly wondering “is she smarter/prettier/more sociable/etc. than me?” Not a nice voice to have in your head…

With the things that I think I’m “good” at, there’s also the whole list of things I’m not the best at: working out, sportiness, intelligence, friendliness. Of course it depends on who you compare me to, but as a general rule, I’m not the “best” at anything (n = world population). Sometimes I’ve realized that this “winner takes all” mentality poisons my friendships. That I automatically go into defense mode when I meet a woman who might be more beautiful, intelligent, successful, etc than I am. Or that I am insanely territorial over things that I’ve discovered because I don’t want people to “copy my things.”

This was something that was really hard for me to admit to myself, but once I came around to it, it’s now helped me be less competitive with other women I meet. I had this note saved on my phone that I rediscovered recently and it really struck a chord with me:

If you see someone else doing something you want to be doing and feel a tinge of envy or jealousy or desire, please know it’s a reflection of your own calling, your own gifts wanting to be shared, your own capacity to create what you want to create, and your own wants being expressed. Someone else doing what you want to do doesn’t mean there isn’t room for you to do it. Someone else expressing what you want to express doesn’t mean there isn’t room for our own expression. Someone else creating what you want to create doesn’t mean there isn’t room for your creation. We need to get rid of this idea that there is only room for a select few people who get to do the things they want to do. And we need to get rid of the idea that we have to be the only ones doing something, or be the best at doing it in order for it to matter. There is room for all of us. There is room for everyone to be creating their art and sharing their gifts and expressing their voices in all the ways they want to. The belief that we’re all competing against one another or comparing ourselves as better or worse makes it really hard to see the brightness in each of us, the gifts in each of us, and the beauty of everyone getting to share what they have to share. There is room for you. Whether in a bookshop or on a stage or on the living room floor or at your own desk, there is room. You and your expression belong.

I have a friend who I share a lot of things with - as friends should do. Usually with my friends, they’ll appreciate the things I shared with them and move on. I have my contributions to the friends and they theirs. But with this one friend, I felt that she was taking on everything I showed her as her own. New song or podcast I like? She’s obsessed too. New fashion trend I’m into? So is she. At times, I felt frustrated that she was taking on so many of “my” things. When I stopped to think about why I’m actually so frustrated, I couldn’t think of a better reason than feeling threatened that she would do these things “better” than I did. RIDICULOUS, I know - but my competitive mind went there. Next time I feel like this, I’ll have to remind myself of the above. Life is not a pie. Just because someone has something, doesn’t mean there’s less of that thing to go around. (Repeating this to myself until I believe it).