My Saturn Has Returned

I read up on the idea of a “Saturn Return” and it turns out (that according to astrology), everything that’s happening to me is "written in the stars" and totally on schedule. A person's Saturn Return is often a period where you're reevaluating certain aspects of your life, and figuring out who and what you want to commit to moving forward.

And boy oh boy, have I been in the trenches figuring it out lately...

Being here in Barcelona makes me think about the saying, “be careful what you wish for because it just might come true.” I remember being freshly 21, returning from my Granada erasmus, and praying that I’d find a job that let me return back to Spain. I even applied for a job at Phillips that paid 30k EUR a year (ha!). While I’m glad that I never got that job, it’s funny to think about how desperately I wanted to live in Spain. Fast forward 7+ years, Spain is quite low on the places I’d like to live. It’s messy, slow, and unbearably hot in the summer.  I know that sounds ungrateful because so many people would love to live in Spain - especially Barcelona. It’s “cool”, there’s the beach, people are beautiful, there’s plenty of sunshine, fun places to go out, music festivals galore, and a sense of relaxation that permeates every inch of the city. Nothing is rushed, nothing is urgent, todo relajado. 

While I think this lifestyle is great and hopefully I’ll be able to acclimate to it eventuallllllly, I really miss the hustle and bustle of Berlin. I love its law and order - that you know what to expect even if that’s a grumpy old lady with blue hair at the Rewe checkout. I’m trying my best to lean into the calm ways of the Catalans, but I really just miss zooming around my bike in Berlin, hopping from one Pberg cafe to another, and all the shops in Mitte. I miss the Saturday market at Kollwitzkiez. I miss my 5th floor walk up on Sredzkistrasse. I miss cooking chicken soup and the 4 minute walk to Audrey’s place. Mostly, I miss my friends and bumping into people spontaneously on the street. I miss walking around without glancing at my Google Maps every few blocks and conversations that don’t start with “what brought you here to Barcelona?” 

I know I didn’t have any of those memories when I first moved to Berlin, so I need to give Barcelona a fighting chance. There are so many fresh starts at the moment that it feels a bit overwhelming: new apartment, new (potential) friends, new job, new neighborhood, new pilates studio, new routines, new gym, new new new. It’s all magnified when I see that Alex doesn’t need to have any of these firsts and his foundations are already built. (cue playing “You’re On Your Own Kid”).

I know it’s a mindset thing. Instead of being paralyzed by the unknown I should be seeing all of this as a chance to grow into a new version of myself. A snake shedding its old skin. Seeds being planted. I know it’s all a mindset thing and that I need to “let go” of Berlin if I’m going to give this life in Barcelona a real chance. 

It’s times like when I snap into Spanish naturally while ordering wine at the bar that I feel a sense of calm that I never felt in Berlin. Knowing the language of the country you live in is a life hack I wish I appreciated earlier. I never knew German well enough to have a full on conversation in Berlin (and never really needed to) but I didn’t realize how much I was missing out on in my daily life. When you don’t have the small everyday interactions with people on the street, the cashier at the convenience store, or the mom waiting in line at the coffee shop with you it can feel really lonely. It’s easy to be in your expat English-speaking bubble. But it’s hard to beat the smile on someone’s face when you start speaking her native language and she realizes that she doesn’t have to stumble by in English (probably the same feeling I have every time I ask “können wir auf Englisch sprechen bitte"” and the answer is “ja, natürlich”). It’s random moments like this when I have a flashback between deciding if I should take French or Spanish and my Dad picked Spanish without blinking. I remember feeling like such a try hard in Spanish classes but am so glad I made an effort because it all seems to make sense now. I would feel so silly if I had daydreamt in class and then ended up here in Spain without a lick of Spanish. (It all worked out too because I have a partner now to teach me French 😬)

Alex always tells me that you can’t connect the dots looking forwards, only backwards. There’s some dots that are definitely being connected...but I still feel like there are huge pieces of my life that are untethered and floating around trying to find the right spot to stop and grow roots. Like earth’s tectonic plates when it split from being Pangea. (That’s a reaaaach of a metaphor but humor me with it). My life from 2020 - 2023 was Pangea. And 2024 was when my life said “enough of being one big continent, we need to shake things up.” Now the plates are shifting and everything is floating around trying to find the best place to settle. And I hope it’s gonna settle SOON because I am tired of this horrible feeling I get every few days when I just want to curl up into a ball and cry because everything seems overwhelming and unclear but also want to jump up and down for joy because everything seems to be on the right track as well… 

And that's on my 27th year...