Why that Billie Eilish Song Gets Me In My FEELS

When did it end? All the enjoyment I'm sad again, don't tell my boyfriend It's not what he's made for What was I made for?” Think I forgot how to be happy Something I'm not, but something I can be Something I wait for Something I'm made for

Lately, I’ve been sad a lot. I’m not sure if it’s the lack of “something new” in my personal life, the fact that I have 5 days of PTO to get me through the next 4 months, or that Berlin summer never really fully arrived this year. Sometimes I think it’s my lack of a project.

I don’t know if I should cry or make this song my national anthem. OK…might be too emo for me to make it into my theme song, but dang - that song really hits me right in the feels. Not sure if it’s the shaky vocals, eerie piano melody in the background or just that it perfectly encompasses how I feel when it comes to finding my “passion” in life.

When Billie sings that she forgot how to be happy, I feel like the air just got punched out of my chest. Like when you’re in water and gasping for air so hard that even the area behind your shoulder blades is burning for oxygen. It’s hard because I know “happy” is something I can be, but I’m having a really hard time feeeeeeeling that joy I usually have. I know that there’s a lot to be grateful for in my life, but everything seems twinged periwinkle instead of a rosy pink.

Having a passion is something Alex and I talk about a lot. What is mine? I often start something, and after realizing I really suck at said thing, toss it to the pile of unfinished hobbies collecting dust in a corner of my brain. Sometimes I wonder what takes something from being an interest into a passion. For example, I am interested in making bracelets for the Eras tour - but bracelet making and having a small jewelry business on Etsy is definitely not my passion. I love to work out and research wellness trends and how to optimize my diet. Does that mean my passion is creating a fitness IG account to show my evening sweating my ass of at Barry’s Bootcamp? In my case, definitely not. There are some experiences that I like to just do. What fun would it be to bake a pan of brownies if I had to look good doing it? Part of the fun is wearing a baggy t-shirt, hair in a bun, no makeup on, and greedily licking the XL-spoon and getting batter in the corners of my mouth. To sacrifice this for a TikTok video that 10 people would watch does not make any sense to me.

A lot of why I want to find a passion that also brings me an income is because I don’t always want to work for someone. I’d love to work for myself one day. I know being an entrepreneur isn’t all fun and games, but I think there’s something to be said for the internal motivation you have to work when you know that it’s your business. It gives new meaning to “treat company money as if it were your own.” I haven’t found what that hobby-turned-side business could be yet. I’m a firm believer in content creation being the “thing” that any entrepreneur will need in the future. There’s nothing stronger than a unique personal brand. You will own your personal brand forever and can monetize on it quite easily if people are interested in what you have to say. Even as I write this, I can’t get myself to post these silly TikToks. I just can’t and I don’t know why. I tell myself that once I find this burning passion inside of me for something that the content creation part will come easy. I’ll want to share whatever it is that I’m working on. But right now, my outfits aren’t special enough, my face isn’t pretty enough, my body isn’t snatched enough, and my recipes are nothing to write home about. For sure, these reasons could also be categorized as excuses, but that doesn’t change the strong aversion to content creation that I feel towards them. Alex always tells me to start; to try. BUT TRY WHAT?

Sometimes I’m wondering for these people who are already doing “the thing”...how did they get there? Did they just feel something in their bones one day? And when will I get that feeling about something? I want to be passionate…

“Something I'm not, but something I can be Something I wait for Something I'm made for”